Wishing

I have this terrible habit of turning random songs into memories, memories that hurt so bad that I sometimes can't breathe. Why does that one song always bring tears to my eyes? I wish things could have been different. I wish that I had more courage, then maybe my life wouldn't be like it is. I wish that I could have made different choices that would have formed me into a totally different person. My random thoughts probably don't look very good on paper, but they soothe my soul in a way that talking never could. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I seem to enjoy dredging up old memories that keep me continuously tied to heart ache. I know that I can't change the past, but I don't have to let it control my future. Most of the time I am actually fairly happy with who I have become, it is just those times when I allow myself to think on the life that could have been. I know that as much as I want to be different, I would never be happy living a life that wasn't who I am. The choices I made shaped my character for better or worse depending on the way I allowed them to shape me. I'm tired of always second guessing myself. I'm tired of being so scatter brained and unable to concentrate on my work. I'm tired of lying in my bed for hours on end with the same thoughts running through my head over and over and over again. I'm tired of being so worried that I constantly feel like throwing up. I'm just tired.....


Did that make any sense whatsoever? Well, it almost made sense to me so I guess that is good enough.